I Wish - Nala Rose
I was debating releasing this song, one because it's another song from the EP, also, mainly because it's a song I wrote as a letter to my father. It was hard for me to even record this song. It took weeks for me to get past the sobbing and literal pain in my heart, of finally writing down the words of how I truly felt and everything I've ever pushed down that happened...then surfacing back up as I tried to sing these words without sobbing on the track. It was literally apart of my healing process and "road to recovery".
Father's Day is always a difficult day for me. I don't have the happy memories a lot of girls/women are able to express today. I didn't feel protected. I wasn't loved. I was abused. Mentally, emotionally, physically...
I wrestled with some taking this the wrong way or seeing this song as "exposing my father". Also, because despite all he has done to me and my family, I've always felt "protecting him and his name" was respecting/honoring him and just the "right thing to do", along with him instilling a fear in me to do so at a very young age. However, those things also cost me pieces of my life in many ways, because in order to protect him I had to hide things from myself. Thankfully, now I've grown. I'm still recovering and it's been a hard but beautiful journey of God's grace and mercy.
I don't have any bitterness or resentment in my heart towards my father, nor the patterns he helped set up for me and my love life (not knowing what true love looked like). As well as time and time again doing whatever I could to try and make him accept me or love me or be "good enough. Despite the many times I've tried to reconcile things with my father and be loving and forgiving him, reaching out, expressing my hurt, detriment, and desires for him to love me... Gods grace and Love conquers all!
However, I'm thankful for my Heavenly Father, who is gracious to continue to heal me and show me the way of His true love. Yet even still there's a part of my human nature that longs to have known and have had an earthly father who I could be proud to share and put on a pedestal as someone I cherished.
I know I'm not the only one who finds this day difficult to face... and I'm sure there are many who can relate to the words I've written in this song.
I'm hoping as you listen to this song, it helps you to face the truth of hurt in your own heart if you've dealt with anything similar (rather from a father, family member, any trusted relationship, or even romantic relationships...) or anyone in the same manner.
I hope/pray this will also help to translate a message to encourage men...to know how important your role is in the world. Not just to be a good man in general, but a good father, leader, protector, support, encouraging figure and all that comes with that in relation to your position in this life. Because the effects are life long. Make your mark one that is celebrated and cherished.
For those who are speechless, abused, neglected, hurt, unable to find courage, hope, strength, and all of the effects that result from it all, or if you are on the path of seeking true healing...
This song is my voice of courage for you.
I'm also thankful for the support of my brother Corey Montgomery and my engineer for helping me to wrestle with the courage of pulling this song out of the depths of my soul, to put it on a track.
Happy Father's Day & may the fatherless find hope, courage and be embraced by the love of our Heavenly Father on this day and all days to come.
(Song available on all download and streaming platforms) Listen on YouTube | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pre-GurREzE